Mahandra McGinty: And what happens when you repress something?
Jaye: It goes away?
Mahandra McGinty: It comes back, all crazy and pissed off!

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Doctor: Actually the medium-point Bic round stick is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies.
Jaye: You don't say.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
[Jaye has a bruise under one eye]
Mahandra McGinty: What happened to you?
Jaye: I got into a fight with a middle-aged Texas housewife in the course of performing a good deed.
Mahandra McGinty: Why were you doing a good deed?
Jaye: I wanted to see what it felt like.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Mahandra: Hmm, and now you're hardly working for a mouth-breather who's still in high school. And I say that without judgement.
Jaye: I so want to storm out on you right now, but if I stand up I'll fall.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Wax Lion: [to Jaye] Word of advice... Don't give her money back.
[Jaye stares at the lion, but she gives Ronnie her money]
Wax Lion: Don't...
Ronnie: Thank you.
Ronnie: [Ronnie goes out the shop and a thief steals her purse] Hey! That guy just stole my purse. Get back here you son of a bitch. I'm gonna kick your ass!
Wax Lion: [to Jaye] Told ya.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Jaye: I found your purse.
Ronnie: [taking it and looking inside] Well, where's my wallet? My brush? My tampons? I had a lot of very expensive makeup in this bag.
Jaye: It was in the garbage.
Ronnie: Then how'd you find it? Wednesday your day to dig through the trash?
Jaye: Your voice just got loud.
Ronnie: You bet your ass my voice just got loud, because you and your little friend stole my purse.
Jaye: What?
Ronnie: Morley Safer did a whole thing on identity theft. I know how you people work. Little packs preyin' on tourists. You're probably here now just tryin' to trick me into tellin' you my mother's maiden name. You bitch!
Jaye: I came here to be nice. I knocked on 71 doors looking for your sorry ass just to be nice.
[showing Ronnie her hand]
Jaye: My knuckles are raw!
[taking it as a threat, Ronnie punches her in the face in response]

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Karen Tyler: I need to talk to you about the monkey.
Jaye: What monkey?
Karen Tyler: The one you stole from Dr. Ron's office. He'd like it back. He's refusing to see me until he gets it, so you should take care of that right away.
Jaye: I didn't take the monkey.
Karen Tyler: Sharon, another cigarette? Aren't your fingertips yellow enough?
[Sharon leaves]
Karen Tyler: Of course you took the monkey, sweetheart. He's got it all on tape. He put a security camera in his office after that Olsen girl stabbed herself and told everyone he tried to kill her.
Jaye: Oh. Okay. Then I guess I have the monkey. Can't you just buy him a new one?

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Jaye: Do you think crazy people know they're crazy?
Mahandra McGinty: Crazy insane? Or crazy like... when I put a video camera in my house and pretended I was on "Big Brother"?
Jaye: Crazy insane. Supposedly, when you think you're crazy, you're really not. Think that's true?
Mahandra McGinty: Um, give me context.
Jaye: You know that vending machine that makes little wax animals?
Mahandra McGinty: Yeah.
Jaye: Well, it made a little smooshed-face lion.
Mahandra McGinty: Mm-hmm.
Jaye: And it talked to me.
Mahandra McGinty: What did it say?
Jaye: It told me not to give a customer her money back.
Mahandra McGinty: Was she being a bitch?
Jaye: Yeah.
Mahandra McGinty: There you go.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Eric Gotts: [recounting the dissolution of his marriage] You know, I've been thinking. I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound. What do you say?
Jaye: Sweet of you to offer, but I may be clinically insane. You might wanna hold out for someone a little more stable.
Eric Gotts: I don't think that'd be as interesting.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Dr. Ron Campbell: Tell me about your family.
Jaye: I really don't wanna gossip.
Dr. Ron Campbell: Would you say your family life is stressful?
Jaye: Not that I'm aware of. Does my mother say it's stressful?
Dr. Ron Campbell: We're not talking about your mother.
Jaye: Not yet.
Dr. Ron Campbell: Do you feel pressured to live up to your mother's expectations?
Jaye: I thought we weren't talking about my mother.
Dr. Ron Campbell: We're not. We're talking about you.
Jaye: [a brass statue of a monkey on his desk begins to move] I'm confused.
Dr. Ron Campbell: That's perfectly normal.
Muse: [speaking through the statue] Perfectly normal.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Jaye: I ran into Gretchen Speck today. Her hair looked like carpet.
Mahandra McGinty: I always hated her. Remember when she wiped her ass with Margaret Wayne's gym towel?
Jaye: Oh, yeah. That was really mean.
Mahandra McGinty: Yeah.
Jaye: Mm. I fainted today.
Mahandra McGinty: What?
Jaye: Word on the street is it's stress.
Mahandra McGinty: You don't have stress.
Jaye: I have lots of stress. I work retail. And by the way, the mouth-breather is now my boss. Should've seen my mother when she found out. Looked like she'd just dried her face with Margaret Wayne's gym towel. I think I actually enjoyed telling her.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Jaye: [in her mobile home] How'd you get in?
Sharon Tyler: Climbed through the window. You're gonna need a new screen.
Jaye: Couldn't wait in your luxury SUV?
Sharon Tyler: I did, but there was this dirty kid eating Spaghettios out of a can and he wouldn't stop staring at me.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Dr. Ron Campbell: I understand there's some animosity between you and your sister. Care to elaborate?
Jaye: She hates me.
Dr. Ron Campbell: "Hate" is a strong word.
Jaye: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?
Dr. Ron Campbell: How does that make you feel?
Jaye: One less person to worry about.
Dr. Ron Campbell: When's the last time you told your sister you loved her?
Jaye: I don't know how you did things in your family, but we weren't raised that way.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Ronnie: You didn't give me my discount, and this lion is defective.
Jaye: What?
Ronnie: The face. It's all funky.
[Jaye picks up the wax lion to inspect it, and Ronnie shows her a picture of how it's supposed to look]
Jaye: Vending machine's not ours. If you have a complaint, there's a number on the side.
Ronnie: What about my discount?
Jaye: What about it?
Ronnie: I'm a guest at the Hillcrest. We're supposed to get 10% off local merchants, one of which is you.
Jaye: That discount has to be presented at the time of purchase.
Ronnie: My ass. I'm presentin' it now.
Jaye: Did you just say "my ass"?

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Mahandra McGinty: Why'd you steal that monkey?
Jaye: It told me to.
Mahandra McGinty: [Jaye turns it around] Is it gonna tell me to steal something?
Jaye: I'd be so happy if it did. You have no idea.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Mahandra McGinty: I think it's natural to embody the world around us with consciousness.
Jaye: You do?
Mahandra McGinty: Yeah. It's all that tree-hugging crap. Like, when the Native Americans...
Jaye: Indians.
Mahandra McGinty: Like when Indians say that everything has a soul; the wind, your cell phone, the little smooshed-face lion. They all have souls.
Jaye: Uh-huh. But when I say it talked to me, I mean it opened its mouth and words came out.
Mahandra McGinty: I know.
Jaye: It blinked.
Mahandra McGinty: I'm sure it did.
Jaye: And you don't have a problem with that?
Mahandra McGinty: Do you?

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Jaye: Niagara Falls, one of the seven natural wonders of the world. America's vacationland and honeymoon capital of the greater Buffalo region.
Loitering Boy: So, what about the legend?
Jaye: I'm getting to that.
Loitering Boy: I wanna hear about the Maid of the Mist.
Jaye: Are you gonna let me talk? Okay. So, there was this god who lived in the waterfall, and these Indians were all afraid of him because he kept killing people. They were like, "Hey, how do we get this guy to stop killing everybody?" And someone said, "Let's give him presents." So they gave him all this stuff, and he was still mad, so they figured, well, if he likes killing people so much, why don't they just kill some people for him? So the chief volunteers his daughter 'cause he thinks that's honorable or something. And they tossed princess in a boat and sent her down the river.
Loitering Boy: Native Americans never practiced human sacrifice.
Jaye: Don't interrupt me again. The chief does the whole "Oh, my god. What have I done?" and paddles his canoe out to save her, but princess wasn't having any of that. She's all, "No, no. I surrender to destiny." Famous last words. Seriously. They put it on bathrobes and stuff. Anyway, so then princess takes the plunge. But it's all good, 'cause the god thought the daughter was hot, so he spared her life. He promised if she stayed with him in the cave, he'd forgive her people and protect and enchant their land until the end of time. So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became Maid of the Mist. And thanks to princess, Niagara has remained an enchanted wonderland despite hundreds of years of commercial development.
Loitering Boy: What happened to the chief?
Jaye: He died.
Loitering Boy: Why'd the princess live?
Jaye: 'Cause she was hot. You gonna buy the tape?
Loitering Boy: No.
Jaye: Then get out. No loitering.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Mahandra McGinty: You're spiteful in a way the definition of spiteful doesn't quite prepare you for.
Jaye: Nuh-Uh!
Mahandra McGinty: Uh-Huh! Disappointing your family is an extreme sport for you.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Gretchen Speck-Horowitz: So how about you? Did you end up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?
Jaye: Yup. Went to Brown. Got a philosophy degree. Now I work here.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Eric: Why do they always sacrifice the pretty ones?
Jaye: I guess killing pretty people is easier than killing ugly people. Although, you'd think the opposite would be true.

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
[Jaye picks a quarter out of the fountain]
Girl: You're not supposed to steal!
Jaye: You're not supposed to talk to strangers. Piss off!

  --  Wax Lion [1.01]
%
Mahandra McGinty: [on the phone with Jaye, about Bianca at the bar] And she's sitting on your stool!
Jaye: Oh, there are just so many things wrong about that sentence.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Sharon Tyler: She must be nuts if she thinks you inspire...
Jaye: ...with effortless and undemanding style.
Sharon Tyler: Well look at that, you've inspired me to walk to my car. And now you've inspired me to leave.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Jaye: You may have all my friends snookered, but not me. You're like that girl in that movie who wanted to be that other girl so much that she killed for it!
Bianca Knowles: Grease?
Jaye: Single White Female!

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Jaye: I got fired.
Darrin Tyler: Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
Jaye: Sharon and Aaron can have their words back. I won't be needing them; ever, apparently.
Darrin Tyler: Nonsense. You're gonna make good use of those words. Think of this as an opportunity. W. failed the first time he ran for Congress and look how far he got; President of the United States.
Jaye: You don't seem terribly surprised that I got fired.
[seeing Bianca on the couch with her mother]
Jaye: What's she doing here?

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Darrin Tyler: [reading Bianca's article about Jaye] "Like the falls of Niagara which rage at the center of her little town, some powerful force forever threatens to sweep Jen into roiling chaos. It is a force against which she struggles, a power she cannot name. Whether it is the undertow of contemporary life or something more ancient, life as it has always been, Jen will continue to struggle, to thrash and fight, yet in her most personal, unguarded moments, she will speak of a calm pool, a place where the waters become still and the chaos abates, a place where a father's wisdom, a mother's compassion, a brother's protection, and a sister, 35, all combine to show Jen she is not alone."
Karen Tyler: Aw, sweetheart, of course you're not.
Sharon Tyler: I am not 35!
Karen Tyler: And you're not a lesbian, either, but you can't expect her to get every detail exactly perfect.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Darrin Tyler: "Thumbing Through the Finger Lakes with Karen Tyler. About the author. Karen Tyler is the award-winning author of several best-selling travel guides. She resides in Niagara Falls, New York, with her husband, noted area physician Dr. Darrin Tyler. The Tylers have three beautiful grown children. Their eldest daughter, Sharon, is a respected immigration attorney and the newest partner at the law firm of Merrifield, Hanson, and Eldrich. Son Aaron is the youngest non-Asian to win the prestigious Fulton Scholarship for religious studies and is currently pursuing his doctorate in comparative religion. Jaye, a daughter, is 24."
Jaye: Uh...
Darrin Tyler: Congratulations, sweetheart. I think this book might be your best yet.
Aaron Tyler: It's certainly the heaviest.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Eric Gotts: You seem depressed.
Jaye: Not clinically. But my mother published a new book, and I only got five words in her bio blurb.
Eric Gotts: You got mentioned in a blurb?
Muse: [through a fish mounted on the wall] Hey.
Jaye: Oh, God, no.
Muse: Get her words out.
Jaye: What do you care?
Eric Gotts: Well, I think that's impressive.
Jaye: Well, it's only actually four words and a digit. My siblings got 51, collectively.
Eric Gotts: Digits?
Jaye: Words.
Mahandra McGinty: I didn't know your brother was on a scholarship. Uh, you weren't, though, were you?
Jaye: What if I only ever rate four words and a digit? What if by the time my mother's next book comes out, the sentence hasn't changed?
Mahandra McGinty: It will. Well, the digit will.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Jaye: How come I only get five words on your inner flap?
Karen Tyler: Well, it's a blurb, dear. I'm only allowed a certain amount of words for that.
Jaye: Sure used up a lot of them on Aaron. He got 26 words. I got five. And one of mine's a digit.
Darrin Tyler: Jaye, sweetheart, don't parse the blurb.
Sharon Tyler: Really, though.
Jaye: Easy for you to say. You got 19.
Sharon Tyler: I counted 22.
Karen Tyler: Your brother and your sister are older than you. They require more words because they've lived more.
Jaye: Achieved more, you mean.
Karen Tyler: No. They've had more opportunity to excel. Your time will come.
Darrin Tyler: We're all looking forward to expanding your sentence.
Jaye: You know, I did actually graduate from Brown with a philosophy degree. I might even still have it somewhere.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Jaye: [reading Bianca's fifteen words about her] Daughter Jaye, a philosopher, resides in Niagara Falls where she inspires with effortless, undemanding style.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Bianca: [to store customers] Come again!
Jaye: Don't encourage them.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Jaye: You've gotta choose people who aren't much more motivated than you are - but don't surround yourself with total narcissists. Otherwise, things start to be about something other than you.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Jaye: A brother who lives at home, and is still considered more successful than I am, which could be because I live in a trailer that, while it may look like Jeannie's bottle, is actually slightly smaller.

  --  Karma Chameleon [1.02]
%
Jaye Tyler: I don't think there is a next move. Our moves are done. I mean, what more could we possibly do?
Eric Gotts: Maybe this man in black is the one we should be trying to find.
Jaye Tyler: I just think it'd be a little like looking for an Irish Johnny Cash in a...
[as a customer approaches the counter, she sees he's dressed in all black]
Jaye Tyler: ...haystack.
Father Joe Scofield: Excuse me.
Jaye Tyler: Call you back.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Darrin Tyler: Jaye-bird, sweetheart. What a nice surprise!
Karen Tyler: [to Aaron] Tupperware is not an eating vessel. Hi. I'm Karen Tyler.
Sister Katrina: Sister Ka... Katrina. Just Katrina.
Darrin Tyler: You're a nun! Well, that's fantastic.
Sister Katrina: Ex-nun. It's just Katrina.
Darrin Tyler: Oh.
Aaron Tyler: [to Jaye] You never said she was a nun.
Sister Katrina: Ex.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Aaron Tyler: God has to talk to people. How else would mankind know God's will?
Jaye Tyler: That's a very good point. This is helping. Say more.
[to Katrina]
Jaye Tyler: And you need to listen closely. He has a theology degree. Several, actually. How many do you need?
Aaron Tyler: One more. Leave me alone. But just because a scripture says God's talking doesn't mean God's "talk" talking. People tend to take license with that detail. It's not always gonna be...
[shaking an animal figurine]
Aaron Tyler: "Hello, Jaye."
Jaye Tyler: Stop that.
Aaron Tyler: Well, some folks believe that early man's gut instinct was God telling our ancestors to fight, flee, or f... fun have. Although, several prominent serial killers claim that God gave them very specific instructions.
Sister Katrina: This isn't helping anymore.
Jaye Tyler: [punching Aaron in the arm] Why'd you got to the serial killer place?

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Eric Gotts: [trying to get information from an unhelpful train station ticket agent] Okay, that went well.
Jaye Tyler: We're, like, the worst detectives ever. I don't know what we expected him to tell us.
Janitor: [mopping as they pass him] He could've told you about the man in black.
Jaye Tyler: What?
Janitor: Let's just say you two aren't the first ones that have been sniffin' around here lookin' for that little girl.
Eric Gotts: You remember her?
Janitor: Oh, yeah. She slept on that bench three nights in a row. I'd watch over her, you know, a little, as much as I could, until he showed up, and she'd scurry out of here like a rat come daylight.
Jaye Tyler: The man, do you remember what he looked like?
Janitor: A strange-lookin' sort. Dressed in all black. I remember thinking that if Johnny Cash had been born an Irishman, his music would've been more lilting. Whoever he was, I hope you find her before he does.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Jaye Tyler: What was all that "Leave me alone" screaming about? And you said "jackass".
Sister Katrina: [giving her a handful of bills] Here. Here. Take it. It's all I have. It was just a turkey club, for the love of God. You don't have to hunt a person down.
Father Joe Scofield: You stole food?
Sister Katrina: I'm not proud.
Father Joe Scofield: How much was the club?
Eric Gotts: It's not about sandwich money. We're trying to help her.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah, missionary man. And where do you get off browbeating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes.
Father Joe Scofield: Sister Katrina isn't a prostitute.
Jaye Tyler: Now I'm going to hell.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Sister Katrina: Let me go! I won't go back! I can't! Why can't you leave me alone?
Eric Gotts: [bursting in and grabbing the man in black by the throat] She said leave her alone! Now, how's about you listen?
Sister Katrina: Don't hurt him. He's a priest.
Eric Gotts: You're... a priest?
Sister Katrina: Father Scofield.
Jaye Tyler: [letting him go, Eric turns to her, mortified] You're going to hell.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Eric Gotts: You're a nun?
Sister Katrina: Not anymore. I'm not going back there. I can't. I can't.
Jaye Tyler: Back where?
Sister Katrina: The convent.
Jaye Tyler: Why not? Did you "Agnes of God" her? I bet he did. I bet he "Agnes of God"-ed all over her.
Father Joe Scofield: Would you shut up?

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Jaye Tyler: If you were so happy with the sisters in the field, why'd you leave?
Sister Katrina: It was... the cheese. The cheese was my undoing. This is the miracle of life melted over these chili fries. A bacterial flirtation with enzymes. The comingling of friendly microorganisms giving birth to curds and whey. "And from dust, he created the universe."
Jaye Tyler: The diary board must love you.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Karen Tyler: [learning Katrina was a nun] Is this about your 'sode? Are you seeking counsel in the church?
Jaye Tyler: No.
[getting an idea]
Jaye Tyler: Yes. Yes, it's about my 'sode and my stress issue. But thanks to God, I'm better every day, so you don't have to worry.
Karen Tyler: That's wonderful, darling. You are aware nuns are Catholic?

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Eric Gotts: So, do you do this sort of thing a lot, going out of your way to help people you don't even know?
Jaye Tyler: Uh... I wouldn't say "a lot".
Eric Gotts: Me, either. Heidi wouldn't allow it. She always said I shouldn't open my mouth to strangers.
Jaye Tyler: Ironic. You know, considering.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Jaye Tyler: [learning Eric sleeps in his bar's back room] So, I like your new place. It has a certain... hobo charm.
Eric Gotts: I don't know about charm, but it does have rats. The old expression about mice and "quiet as" doesn't apply to rats.
Jaye Tyler: Well, just be grateful they're not keeping you up at night with incessant chatter.
Jaye Tyler: [hearing a noise nearby] I think they heard us talking about them.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Jaye Tyler: [in a vacant motel room adjacent to the man in black's] I don't hear anything. Do you hear anything?
[Eric shakes his head]
Jaye Tyler: What if we're too late? What if he's already beat her to death with a bag of oranges for withholding trick money?
Eric Gotts: Well, if she had any trick money, I don't think she'd be living in a barrel. I know I wouldn't be.
Jaye Tyler: Yes, but maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics. And come on. This place does have a certain pay-by-the-hour vibe.
Eric Gotts: It's just a transient hotel for people who aren't sure whether they're coming or going. People that need hot plates and kitchenettes and all the other trappings of creative nonpermanence.
Jaye Tyler: You sound like a brochure.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Darrin Tyler: Here you are, sweetheart. Did your brother find you?
Jaye Tyler: No, but he'll find me when he comes home. I'm sleeping here tonight. Or trying to, anyway. You didn't redecorate my room with a zoo-themed wallpaper, did you? Why are you all dressed up?
Sharon Tyler: We're going to church.
Jaye Tyler: Is it Christmas? 'Cause if it is, it snuck up on me, and nobody's getting anything.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Father Joe Scofield: People sin. People transgress. Especially in love. Hell, I transgressed indiscriminately before I was called by God. But God forgave me those transgressions.
Eric Gotts: Y-You're telling me to forgive my wife?
Father Joe Scofield: "Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
Eric Gotts: So I should go back to her?
Father Joe Scofield: You can forgive someone and still choose not to be with them.
Eric Gotts: It was a yes or no question.
Father Joe Scofield: I don't have a yes or no answer.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Father Joe Scofield: [being asked to perform an exorcism] Are you out of your mind?
Jaye Tyler: I'm willing to try anything. I mean, she's willing to try anything to help me, which does help her with that one issue. It's a big circle of help.
Sister Katrina: She's afflicted. Demons live inside of her. They talk to her and they tell her to do things. She needs our help to purge them.
Jaye Tyler: Sadly, it's all true.
Father Joe Scofield: I don't know what you're after here, but I don't do exorcisms. They're violent and dangerous and stupid.
Jaye Tyler: Hey, Father, come on. Let's not discourage her. She's eager to do God's work. Please? I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks.
Sister Katrina: Do this with me, Father, and I will willingly and joyously return to the convent with you. God works in mysterious ways. You know that. Well, isn't it possible that the reason God never spoke to me is because he needed me to run away because he needed me to end up here because he needed you to follow me so you could use your expert knowledge to cast out demons from this poor girl's soul?
Jaye Tyler: Amen, sister.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Sister Katrina: Father, it's God's work.
Father Joe Scofield: No, it is this woman's work.
Sister Katrina: Yes, yes. God kept you here. He brought us here to perform his work for Jaye.
Father Joe Scofield: Is that so? Katrina has been living in a nunnery these past 12 years. Please bear in mind that I have not.
Jaye Tyler: What? Her faith is back and possibly better than ever. You should be thanking me.
Father Joe Scofield: And what is it that you're hoping to get from us by way of thanks?
Jaye Tyler: Well, since you mention it, there is one little thing.
Father Joe Scofield: [loudly] An exorcism?
Jaye Tyler: [in a shushing tone] I have to drink in here.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Sister Katrina: I like your monkey.
Jaye Tyler: I stole it from my therapist's office.
[setting a plate on the table]
Jaye Tyler: Cheese?
Sister Katrina: This is insulting to both of us.
Jaye Tyler: It's a pre-made snack platter.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Sister Katrina: I'm sorry I called you a liar. You're not a liar, Jaye. You're a child of God.
Jaye Tyler: Oh, good. So you believe in God now?
[Katrina nods]
Jaye Tyler: I brought you back to him? Big "H"?
Sister Katrina: You most certainly did.
Jaye Tyler: Huh. Well, smell me. Better than I thought I was.
[Katrina knocks her out with a chloroform-soaked rag; later, waking from the stupor, Jaye finds herself tied down to her bed]
Sister Katrina: Don't you worry, Jaye. I know what I'm doin'. If we have to, we'll cut the devil out of you.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Sister Katrina: [performing an exorcism on Jaye] Oh, heavenly father, guide my hand. Give me strength. Talk to me. Tell me what to do.
Jaye Tyler: Here's what to do. Put down the knife. Untie me and put down the knife.
Sister Katrina: No! You wanted this. You asked for it.
Jaye Tyler: No, I didn't. Okay, I did. But I didn't think it would be like this. The voices, the animals, I was just mad at them. But they aren't demonic. It just feels like that sometimes when they make me help people.

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Jaye Tyler: [at the police station] Oh, my God! They called you?
Father Joe Scofield: Excuse me?
Jaye Tyler: I thought for sure you'd left town already.
Father Joe Scofield: I was...
Jaye Tyler: Well, don't worry. I'm not pressing charges. She was just confused. Plus, I did kind of encourage her to do it. And you were right, by the way. Exorcism? A very, very bad idea.
Father Joe Scofield: I have a child I didn't know about.
Jaye Tyler: Come again?

  --  Wound-up Penguin [1.03]
%
Mahandra McGinty: Have you been huffing paint? Because this isn't like you.
Jaye Tyler: What do you mean, "like me"? There is no "like me." I'm not "like" anything, and if I were it certainly wouldn't be me.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Sharon Tyler: Tense? TENSE? I'm not tense, I am so far from tense, I'm past tense.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Mahandra McGinty: I've got my own list of things to do. And at the top of it: destroy Gretchen Speck. You may be the universe's butt puppet, but I'm its right-hand fist of fate. And tonight, accounts are comin' due.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Karen Tyler: Honey, you should go in there.
Jaye Tyler: Me?
Karen Tyler: Otherwise, I'll have to.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Eric Gotts: So, did you defy the chicken?
Jaye Tyler: Uh-huh.
Eric Gotts: And how did that work out for ya?
Jaye Tyler: I think I may have killed a man.
Eric Gotts: Oh, so not as well as we'd hoped, then.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Mahandra McGinty: I don't know what you've become.
Jaye Tyler: Fist of fate, thy name is Janet. Remember that?
Mahandra McGinty: Janet was just venting. You've been channeling Tonya Harding. So, you ever plan on coming out of here?
Jaye Tyler: I haven't decided yet.
Mahandra McGinty: Mm. Well, word is you're about to be voted most spiteful.
Jaye Tyler: They can't add a category!
[seeing Mahandra's look]
Jaye Tyler: Great. And you're mad at me, too.
Mahandra McGinty: You made me feel sorry for Gretchen Speck. And I'm not sure I can forgive you for that.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Gretchen Speck-Horowitz: Any of you holding Speck-Horowitz couples cards, toss 'em. They no longer apply. I'm losin' the hyphen and keepin' the ring.
Mahandra McGinty: What a bitch. Is it wrong that I like her now?
Jaye Tyler: I think she just walked out of here a free woman.
Mahandra McGinty: Feel kinda sorry for her husband, though.
Jaye Tyler: [remembering he was in a car crash] Let's just hope he's dead.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Jaye Tyler: I guess you're pretty mad at me, huh?
Karen Tyler: Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Jaye Tyler: I ruined your moment. I'm sorry.
Karen Tyler: This night is not about me, dear. And I think I understand why you did what you did.
Jaye Tyler: You do?
Karen Tyler: It's my fault. I somehow gave you the impression that I wanted a daughter like Gretchen Speck.
Jaye Tyler: [a little dumbfounded] Uh...
Karen Tyler: Confident, motivated, blonde.
Jaye Tyler: You just described Sharon.
Karen Tyler: Well-married.
Jaye Tyler: Okay, so not Sharon.
Karen Tyler: But that girl's miserable.
Jaye Tyler: Sharon?
Karen Tyler: Gretchen. Oh, she's trapped in her perfect life, and that's not something that I want for you.
Jaye Tyler: Well, I wouldn't worry about that.
Karen Tyler: But I do worry. But that's just me being a mother. And as your mother, I don't care what those people think of you now, because in my heart, you will always be head cheerleader.
Jaye Tyler: Oh. You're looking for the back door, aren't you?
Karen Tyler: Is there one?
Jaye Tyler: Right over there.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Darrin Tyler: You know, I have to say, your sister really enjoyed her reunion.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah, Sharon also enjoyed 4-H.
[seeing a flamingo yard decoration move, she groans]
Darrin Tyler: Hate to see you miss out. That's all.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah. I'll just wear my smock from the store. It already has my name stitched into the vest. I won't even have to wear a sticker.
Darrin Tyler: Don't denigrate what you do.
Jaye Tyler: I sell plastic canoes and refrigerator magnets.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Jaye Tyler: [accidentally putting her father in the hospital] How many fractures before it's multiple?
Darrin Tyler: Two.
Jaye Tyler: How many do you have?
Darrin Tyler: Seven.
Sharon Tyler: And people say you're an underachiever.
Karen Tyler: This isn't a criticism. I'm just curious. How do you run someone down from the passenger seat?

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Sharon Tyler: [Jaye accidentally hit their dad with the car] Maybe she did it on purpose. Could be an attempt at getting an early inheritance.
Karen Tyler: Your sister's not a cold-blooded murderer. She's never been a planner.
Jaye Tyler: It was an accident!
Karen Tyler: Of course it was, dear.
Sharon Tyler: Technically, it was contributory negligence.
Jaye Tyler: I feel really bad. Can we just pretend this didn't happen?
Karen Tyler: That's what the morphine's for.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Darrin Tyler: [finding their trash toters blocking the driveway] You have any idea how much those sanitation jokers make in a year?
Jaye Tyler: A lot?
Darrin Tyler: [going to move them] Enough to have a little pride in a job well done. This is just sloppy! There's no pride here.
Jaye Tyler: It *is* garbage.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Jaye Tyler: I don't have a choice. I'm a puppet. The universe sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don't dance people get hurt.

  --  Pink Flamingos [1.04]
%
Darrin Tyler: And how long have you known this?
Karen Tyler: A while. Since we hired her.
Darrin Tyler: So you've been lying to your entire family about this for 20 years?
Karen Tyler: I haven't been lying the whole time. There was that initial lie and then I never bothered to tell you the truth - I am not proud of it.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Sharon Tyler: You actually think I tipped the police?
Jaye Tyler: You were there waiting with them.
Sharon Tyler: That's because they tipped me. I knew you'd try to do something stupid like this, which is why I tagged your name, so when it came up in the system, I'd know about it.
Jaye Tyler: And then you just dropped everything and came charging to the rescue?
Sharon Tyler: You're my sister.
Jaye Tyler: So, when are they gonna release me?
Sharon Tyler: You might not wanna think of release so much as parole. Which I'm sure you'll be eligible for at some point. The Canadians are furious.
Jaye Tyler: Furious Canadians. Does that even work?
Sharon Tyler: They've already filed for extradition.
Jaye Tyler: Sharon. This is your one chance to redeem yourself. I don't care how you do it, but you cannot let them send her back there.
Sharon Tyler: Not Yvette. You.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Jaye Tyler: I'm really sorry about all this. I'm sorry I asked for that pancake. Sorry I got you deported. Sorry I made such a mess of things. Sorry about your parents and sticking you in the trunk. I'm just really, really sorry.
Cindy Bradley: I'm not. Okay, maybe about the trunk thing... but not the rest of it. I feel like I'm free, finally.
Jaye Tyler: Okay, well, that's just ironic.
Cindy Bradley: I never thought I'd see them again. But every day for 20 years, I wondered if I made a mistake. Now I know I didn't.
Jaye Tyler: So you recommend this whole running away from your family thing, then? 'Cause I've kind of been considering it.
Cindy Bradley: Dear, I've met your family. You may have wheels on your house, but it's not gonna help.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah, I guess you're right. I think Mom had a Lojack surgically implanted in me when I was born. And now that I'm being shipped off to Canadian justice, I'm kinda glad. At least now they'll know where to send me stuff.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Karen Tyler: [Jaye joins the family for breakfast] Sweetheart, you're staying?
Jaye Tyler: The store doesn't open for another hour and the mouth-breather doesn't come in until noon. I plan on being late.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Jaye Tyler: They want to send me to Canada?
Sharon Tyler: To face charges! Reckless endangerment, vandalism, assault, driving the wrong way on a one-way street...
Jaye Tyler: Okay, I get it.
Sharon Tyler: I don't think you do! After they're finished with you there, the United States will probably bring you back here to answer for attempted smuggling. You are wanted in two countries!
Jaye Tyler: Guess it's a lucky thing I got me a good lawyer, huh?
Sharon Tyler: Actually, you might want to consider new representation. I don't think I can stop this, Jaye.
Jaye Tyler: I'll be okay. Just try to get Aaron out.
Sharon Tyler: He's already out.
Jaye Tyler: Bastard! He sang?
Sharon Tyler: No, you admitted to driving the car.
Jaye Tyler: [frustrated] Oh. I sang.
Sharon Tyler: There's, like, six "Law & Order"s on the air now. Have you not seen one of them?

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Darrin Tyler: You weren't mistreated, were you?
Jaye Tyler: Uh-uh.
Aaron Tyler: I wasn't, either. They didn't mistreat me.
Darrin Tyler: You owe me $4,500.
Jaye Tyler: [trying to be funny] American or Canadian?
[seeing he's not laughing]
Jaye Tyler: I'm sorry I made you compromise your principles.
Darrin Tyler: The first principle is always family. You take care of them first.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Karen Tyler: Sharon, go talk to your father. You're his favorite.
[Sharon leaves the kitchen]
Aaron Tyler: I thought I was his favorite.
Karen Tyler: We don't have favorites.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Aaron Tyler: Oh my God, that guy just blew his nose on the ground. I thought Canadians were supposed to be clean.
Jaye Tyler: Just don't make eye contact.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Jaye Tyler: Well, if it isn't the squealer. Thanks for squealing, squealer.
Sharon Tyler: How am I a squealer?
Jaye Tyler: Uh, could it be the squealing? You ambushed us with the fuzz. You were all back-lit and evil-smoking like that guy on the X-Files.

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Officer Hale: The blonde one's queer. Look at her. Those fingernails are a dead giveaway. Cut all nice and short. Clean cuticle beds. Lesbians always trim their nails like that. You know why?

  --  Crime Dog [1.05]
%
Aaron Tyler: The fact that it's a cow creamer is proof that my sister is insane. Do you even have a degree?

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Jaye: I didn't earn celebratory fondue!

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Dr. Ron Campbell: So, you set a trap for your sister using this cow creamer as bait?
Aaron Tyler: Totally.
Dr. Ron Campbell: That's cracked.
Aaron Tyler: How is it cracked to be concerned for the welfare of a family member?
Dr. Ron Campbell: I mean the creamer. It's cracked.
Aaron Tyler: Oh, yeah. I broke its head off the last time it talked to her.

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Aaron Tyler: What are you?
Jaye: Huh?
Aaron Tyler: Are you like Dr. Doolittle?
Karen Tyler: Your blood sugar's low. Dip something.
Aaron Tyler: It's not my blood sugar. There's something out there, and it's laughing at us.
Sharon Tyler: [meaning Jaye] Did she do this to you?
Darrin Tyler: You really think that your sister's special lunch is the appropriate place for an existential crisis?
Aaron Tyler: It's not an existential crisis.
Karen Tyler: You're studying religion for God's sake. You're bound to have one sooner or later.
Aaron Tyler: Not an existential crisis! Just the opposite. I was fine when existence had no meaning. Meaninglessness in a universe that had no meaning, that I get. But meaninglessness in a universe that has meaning... what does it mean?
Jaye: It doesn't mean anything.
Aaron Tyler: Did the cow creamer tell you that?
Darrin Tyler: What has gotten into you?
Karen Tyler: I'm throwing that creamer away the second we get home.

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Darrin Tyler: [Jaye brings Pat to family game night] The shut-in is certainly bringing out Sharon's competitive streak.
Fat Pat: You guys are going down.
Karen Tyler: I think it's time for him to leave.
Darrin Tyler: Uh-huh.
Aaron Tyler: [seeing Jaye glance at the cow cream dispenser] I saw that.
Darrin Tyler: Saw what?
Aaron Tyler: She was talking to the cow creamer.
Jaye: No, I... I really wasn't.
Darrin Tyler: Don't tease your brother.
Aaron Tyler: What did the cow tell you to do?

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Darrin Tyler: [Jaye is named Employee of the Month] We are so proud.
Sharon Tyler: And shocked.
Karen Tyler: With pride.
Jaye: I don't deserve this.
Karen Tyler: She's never been comfortable with praise.
Sharon Tyler: They gave me the same balloon bouquet when I made partner.
Jaye: I was just rude to a customer. I can't be employee of the month.
Alec: You don't have a choice. Peggy said I can't get it anymore now that I'm management. The honor comes with a certificate and a parking space on the first level of the structure.
Jaye: I park on the street.
Alec: And the afternoon off.
Jaye: I humbly accept.

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Jaye: See anything?
Aaron Tyler: No. Wait. No. This trailer park is void of activity. Shouldn't you people be having hoedowns or shooting beer cans or something?
Jaye: Stop wasting film. We have a mythical beast to document.
Aaron Tyler: [she tries to wrest the camera away] Mine!
Jaye: You're gonna break it.
Aaron Tyler: What do you care? You stole it from work.
Jaye: It was in the lost and found bin. It's a victimless crime.

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Jaye: [spying on a neighbor in her trailer park] He's such a tease. I haven't seen so much as a flip-flop in a year.
Aaron Tyler: You don't feel at all like you're exploiting this guy?
Jaye: Uh-uh. What's the point of living in a trailer park if you can't take in the local color? And by that, I mean spy on the freaks.
Aaron Tyler: We're all spying on freaks tonight. Talk to any cow creamers recently?
Jaye: Not recently. No. You think maybe he got so fat, he can't get out?
Aaron Tyler: His door is very narrow.
Jaye: He only opens it for food. It's pizza night, so he'll have to open it wide enough to get that box in.
Aaron Tyler: If your portly chupacabra doesn't emerge soon, I'll be forced to go home and work on my dissertation.
Jaye: I don't call him that anymore. He might be of Mexican descent. I don't wanna seem insensitive.
Aaron Tyler: What do you call him?
Jaye: Fat Pat. It was Fatsquatch, but... so, do Mom and Dad think you're over here studying Jesus and Zeus and Buddha and all the rest?
Aaron Tyler: Uh-huh. So, do Mom and Dad know you talk to things that don't talk?
Jaye: It is impressive how long you've managed to fleece them from your ivory tower of academia.
Aaron Tyler: I'm not fleecing. I'm working really hard on my education. Just not right now.

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.06]
%
Jaye: I do admit the whole shut-in thing has a certain appeal. Dress is optional, and there's the part where you get to avoid people.

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.6]
%
Jaye: [wandering the deserted trailer park] Did we have a Rapture?

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.6]
%
Jaye: You lost 300 pounds; you can't just gain it all back!
Marianne Marie: Well Sieg Heil, Miss Jenny Craig!

  --  Muffin Buffalo [1.6]
%
Mahandra McGinty: [to Jaye] Where is your hometown pride? God, you really are like a Hobbit that hates the Shire!

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
[Millie is sitting at the autograph-signing table and is being ignored.]
Mahandra McGinty: This is so sad. This is sadder than that hooker we saw getting beat up by that other hooker.
Alec: At least a hooker fight would draw a crowd.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Jaye Tyler: Boo hoo, we all have troubles. Look at me, I'm already 24 and I've never done anything. I have a worthless philosophy degree that's got me no further than a dead end retail job working for a mouth breather so I can continue to support my trailer park lifestyle. Do you think I sit around feeling sorry for myself.
Vivian Caldwell: God I would if I were you.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Jaye: The truth? What do you know about the truth? My God. How do you live with yourself? But, then, you don't really, do you? Because you're not even you. And if you're not the person you say you are, then you spent 50 years being a nobody. And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than a somebody that's just a nobody. Or something. The point is, you suck.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Millie Marcus: But we're not talking about my fame, we're talking about Niagara's legacy. A legacy that I've been the guardian of now for half a century. I'm just supposed to stand idly by and watch them destroy that?
Mahandra McGinty: Hell, no.
Eric Gotts: Wow, that's impressive. You made ruining that poor woman's life actually sound kind of noble.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Millie Marcus: Standing up there I realized something.
Vivian Caldwell: You're a bitch.
Millie Marcus: Oh, sure that.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Mahandra McGinty: That doesn't do anyone any good. But I'll tell you what does: The story of Millie Marcus and her barrel.
Eric Gotts: It is sort of the quintessential American tale.
Mahandra McGinty: Yes. Exactly. It teaches us there's nothing a person can't do.
Eric Gotts: Or nothing a person actually has to do. I mean, look at her. She's 100% fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and DAMN the facts. You don't get much more American than that.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Jaye: And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than somebody that's just a nobody... or something. Point is you suck.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Vivian Caldwell: Come on, honey. Just accept it. It's too late. You ain't ever gonna get your car out of this metaphor in time.
Jaye Tyler: It's a mud pit, not a metaphor.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Taxi Driver: Miss Marcus?
Vivian Caldwell: That's me.
Taxi Driver: We better get going if you don't wanna miss your flight. And can I just say it's an honor driving you? My great-aunt Esther was actually there the day you went over the Falls. She talked about it all the time. You were a huge inspiration to her.
Vivian Caldwell: Well, thank you, dear. Do call me Millie.
Jaye Tyler: See? Nobody's stuck. You're not living proof anymore. I destroyed the evidence.
Vivian Caldwell: Maybe that lying old cow was right. Maybe it really is never too late.
Jaye Tyler: Except in her case, it kinda was.
Jaye Tyler,Vivian Caldwell: Poor bitch.
Taxi Driver: Can I maybe get your autograph?
Vivian Caldwell: Yes, dear.
[starting to write her own name]
Vivian Caldwell: Crap. Let me do that again.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Eric Gotts: [at a funeral home after Millie dies] How did you arrange all this?
Jaye Tyler: Her purse was full of traveler's checks.
Eric Gotts: Isn't that illegal?
Jaye Tyler: Probably the least illegal thing we're doing right now.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Eric Gotts: Millie Marcus taught me that what's most important in life is to be yourself. Even if you have to be somebody else to do it. So, from here on out, you can just call me Eric.
Jaye Tyler: But, like, with a Q or something?
Eric Gotts: Nope. Just me. I figure it's not so terrible being Eric. The now Eric, I mean. Then Eric was sad. But Then Eric was then. I'm Now Eric. And don't laugh, but I kinda like it here. I like the barrel. I like slinging cocktails. I like Niagara Falls... and I like you.
Jaye Tyler: [holding it back] I'm not laughing.
Eric Gotts: That's a start.
Jaye Tyler: Maybe it is.
Eric Gotts: [taking out a cell phone] And here's an ending.
Jaye Tyler: What are you doing?
Eric Gotts: This phone belongs to Then Eric, so it's going away.
Jaye Tyler: Oh, my God.
Eric Gotts: Okay. Here goes. Goodbye to the old life.
Jaye Tyler: [as he throws it over the falls, it starts ringing] I'm sure they'll call back.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Vivian Caldwell: So, now I know what it's like to be Millie.
Eric Gotts: Because you're wearing her clothes?
Vivian Caldwell: 'Cause I feel like a fraud.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah. One of life's little ironies is that you have to continue Millie's lie so you can finally tell the truth. I never said it was a perfect plan, but at least this time it'll be you up on those podiums getting the accolades and signing the autographs.
Vivian Caldwell: I still have to sign her name.
Jaye Tyler: 'Fraid so.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Jaye Tyler: [Mahandra and Millie steal the barrel from Vivian's front yard] What are you doing?
Mahandra McGinty: Protecting history.
Jaye Tyler: You're drunk.
Mahandra McGinty: And you're a nihilist. Hey, why don't you run and get a Bible and a copy of the Constitution and tear those up too while you're at it?
Jaye Tyler: Oh, stop it!
Mahandra McGinty: Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love it if I just stepped aside and allowed you to destroy one life after another with your truth-covered lie. You may have started this little geriatric war, but I'm gonna finish it.
Jaye Tyler: What... what war? Eric, why are you helping? What's gotten into you?
Eric Gotts: Please don't ask me any questions. I'm really not sure what's happening.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Jaye Tyler: We're gathered here today to say goodbye not only to Then Eric, but to our friend Millie. Or most of her, at any rate. Some of her got on the cash register. But hopefully, it wasn't anything important. Just like an elbow or something. She was a... she may have been a liar, but she'll always be a legend. She lived her life claiming she went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Now nobody will ever be able to say different.
[she throws the barrel containing Millie's ashes over the falls]
Jaye Tyler: And so history is preserved.
Eric Gotts: And a legend continues.
Jaye Tyler: [turning around and bumping into a police officer] Oh, crap!
Cop: [writing a ticket] Littering, $250 fine. Just need your autograph.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Jaye Tyler: Maybe I should have told more people.
Mahandra McGinty: Did you tell anyone?
Jaye Tyler: Not really.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Mahandra McGinty: It teaches us there isn't anything a person can't do.
Eric Gotts: Or anything a person actually has to do. I mean look at her, she's 100% fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and damn the facts. You don't get much more American than that.

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Vivian Caldwell: I was supposed to ride that barrel right out of this crummy town.
Jaye Tyler: And you never considered a bus?

  --  Barrel Bear [1.07]
%
Lovesick Ass: Girl needs a-
Jaye: Girl might actually find time to have a boy if you'd ever shut up!
Lovesick Ass: ...donut. Girl needs a donut.
Jaye: Finally, something sensible.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Dick Johnson: Okay, look, I'm sorry he did this to you, but I'm gonna pay your way back, okay?
Katya: I see tree drop same rotten fruit.
Dick Johnson: Excuse me?
Katya: You like Peter. Not so tiny. But you cannot put out fire by peeing much money on big flame. You let small child who is like cross-eyed dog to run and "poo" over whole village.
Dick Johnson: If you're finished with the potty metaphors, can you just give me the name I can put on the check?

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Peter Johnson: Sorry I tried to steal your woman.
Eric Gotts: Jaye's not my woman.
Peter Johnson: She's not?
Eric Gotts: Uh-uh.
Peter Johnson: Oh. Think I still have a shot?
Eric Gotts: Actually, by the time you're old enough to date, she might be ready to stop running, so maybe you do.
Peter Johnson: What's she running from?
Eric Gotts: I don't know. It'll take a smarter man than me to answer that.
Peter Johnson: I'm smarter than you, and I can't solve the riddle that is Jaye.
Eric Gotts: She is a riddle.
Peter Johnson: She's the most mysterious girl I've ever known.
Eric Gotts: She's an enigma.
Peter Johnson: She's a conundrum.
Eric Gotts: She's a 10-million-piece sky puzzle.
Peter Johnson: She's a lifetime of New York Times Sunday crosswords.
Eric Gotts: She's a Rubik's cube.
Peter Johnson: [seeing her pull up] She's here.
Eric Gotts: In my car.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Sharon Tyler: [finding Jaye's trailer rocking, she knocks on the door] Is Jaye in there?
Katya: [naked, covering herself with a bedsheet] No. Jaye no is here.
Sharon Tyler: You must be Katya.
Katya: Da. I am she.
Sharon Tyler: Jaye asked me to look into helping you return to Russia. I think I've found a way.
Dick Johnson: [naked, too, covering his junk] Hi. She can't go back right now. In fact, I'm not sure she's ever gonna leave. But I'd appreciate it if you would.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Peter Johnson: I can't stop thinking about her.
Eric Gotts: There's nothing wrong with that. It's normal.
Peter Johnson: Really?
Eric Gotts: Yeah.
Peter Johnson: Why does it have to hurt so bad?
Eric Gotts: Because you love her, but you know it's impossible to be with her.
Peter Johnson: Think I'll ever forget her?
Eric Gotts: She's your mother. She'll always be a part of you.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Eric Gotts: Do you want me to kick your ass? 'Cause I can. I can do that if you'd like.
Peter Johnson: Um, I'd rather this not spiral into a whole physical thing, so I'll respectfully decline your offer to kick my ass.
[Eric takes his baseball bat away]
Peter Johnson: How long did you know?
Eric Gotts: The whole time.
Peter Johnson: Damn.
Eric Gotts: Even if you got rid of me, you'd still be left with the biggest obstacle to Jaye's heart.
Peter Johnson: What's that?
Eric Gotts: Jaye.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Dick Johnson: [learning Peter bought a mail-order bride from Russia] What were you gonna do with her, Peter?
Peter Johnson: Protect her! That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to protect your wife and keep her safe and make sure she doesn't die.
Dick Johnson: Peter, she had cancer.
Peter Johnson: You should've kept her safe. Safe from carcinogens, safe from power lines and microwaves. If you loved her more, you would have kept her safe. If he loved her like I love you.
Jaye: Okay, that's my other problem.
Dick Johnson: Peter, you're 12 years old. You don't love this woman.
Peter Johnson: How would you know? You don't know how to love! That's what's wrong with you! He's a wuss; just like your boyfriend.
Jaye: If you wanna slap him, I'll totally look the other way.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Sharon Tyler: Are you in the mafia?
Jaye: What are you talking about?
Sharon Tyler: A Russian mail-order bride is not something you get on eBay. You do realize these women are Russian mob-controlled sex slaves. You can't be involved with a sex slave. You get too close to something like that, you might be next.
Jaye: I can't be next. I'm not ready for a relationship right now.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: That kid's not right. He's fixated on Eric. Keeps insisting I should dump him.
Mahandra McGinty: I thought you weren't a couple.
Jaye: Shut up. I need your car.
Mahandra McGinty: After the last time I let you borrow my car, I'm thinkin'... not.
Jaye: Fine. Where's Eric's car?
Mahandra McGinty: Probably in the parking lot, where people with cars park them.
Jaye: Where are his keys?
Mahandra McGinty: Probably in his pocket, where people with pockets put things like keys.
Jaye: Damn.
Mahandra McGinty: And since when do you need keys to start a car that doesn't belong to you?
Jaye: Ooh. Good point.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: [kissing Eric] So, you know when you have, like, that first date and there's all that tension because you've never kissed before? Well, now we can just go out and it can be tension-free.
Eric Gotts: I, uh... I still have tension.
Peter Johnson: [approaching as they kiss again] So, I guess you worked out your differences.
Jaye: We didn't have any differences.
Peter Johnson: Congratulations to the victor. I'm gracious enough to admit that the better man has won the girl. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
[in the background, Eric's car bursts into flames]
Peter Johnson: You know, eventually. I may still have issues.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: Excuse me, Mr. Johnson? I'd like you to meet your son.
Peter Johnson: We've met, actually.
Dick Johnson: What'd you do?
Peter Johnson: My only sin is love.
Dick Johnson: What'd he do?
Jaye: He ordered a wife from Russia.
Dick Johnson: You bought a woman?
Peter Johnson: She's my fiancee. Was my fiancee.
Dick Johnson: Well, where is she now, in some kind of shelter?
Jaye: She's singing Russian folk ballads at the High and Dry Trailer Park. He was planning on locking her away in the woods where nobody would know about her... or hear her scream.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: You're not my boyfriend! It's just a statement of fact. Doesn't mean I'm not interested.
Eric Gotts: Are you?
Jaye: If I were in a position to be interested in somebody, I think it could be safe to say it'd be someone very much... not unlike... you.
Eric Gotts: Did you just come down here to deliver your mixed message in person?
Jaye: I came here because I have a Peter problem. He invited me to the opera. Come on, you gotta help me out. I can't have a stalker whose voice hasn't changed yet.
Eric Gotts: I don't know what you expect me to do about it.
Jaye: Talk to him. Or smack him around for real. Whatever.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: Stay the hell away from Katya! She didn't pack up her whole life and leave everything behind so she could be with an embryo. She wants a man, a real man.
Peter Johnson: [a little aroused] My God, you've got fire.
Jaye: Yeah, and it's gonna burn you unless you stay away from her. Leave her alone. Forget about her.
Peter Johnson: I've forgotten about her already.
Jaye: Good. Each time you start to think of her, think of me instead; my burning fire! Got me?
Peter Johnson: Uh-huh. Burning fire.
Jaye: Who are you forgetting about?
Peter Johnson: I don't remember.
Jaye: Keep it that way.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: I can't be in a relationship right now. I have... issues.
Mahandra McGinty: Who doesn't?
Jaye: I'm going through a "me" phase.
Mahandra McGinty: "Going through"?
Jaye: Leave me alone. Why can't I just be celibate?
Mahandra McGinty: Um, because you like boys? And this boy is ready for your jelly.
Jaye: Look at him. He's smitten. Smitten and eager are bad. Now, you know what you get with smitten and eager. Romance. Relentless, treacly, manufactured romance. That kind of romance never ends well.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Peter Johnson: [showing up at Jaye's trailer park with a black eye] Look what your boyfriend did to me.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Eric Gotts: [installing a satellite dish for Jaye] So, when do I get to come over and watch TV?
Jaye: Oh. I don't know. I just have the one TV, and it's very small.
Eric Gotts: Well, that's okay. We can sit close.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: Hi. We're looking for Peter Johnson.
Peter Johnson: I'm Peter Johnson.
Jaye: The other Peter Johnson.
Peter Johnson: There isn't one. I'm Peter. And you must be Katya, my darling.
Katya: Oh, no. I need bigger Peter.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Jaye: She slept at the fountain?
Katya: Fountain of love. I meet my Peter. I marry. But he no come.
Jaye: Peter got a phone number?
Katya: No. No phone. But he make me letter.
Eric Gotts: [taking them] These are all e-mail printouts. No last name. No physical address.
Jaye: You think she's one of those Russian mail-order brides? You know, sex slave?
Katya: No sex slave! I coming for love... and some sex. But no slave.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Peter Johnson: My darling Katya, I would never have missed our nuptials, except I got grounded.
Jaye: What are you, like, five?
Peter Johnson: 16.
[Jaye glares suspiciously]
Peter Johnson: 15.
[another glare]
Peter Johnson: 14... on my next birthday.
Katya: He tiny boy.
Peter Johnson: I'm so sorry, my darling. If I had just cashed in a bond and not used my dad's credit card, I'd be married now instead of grounded.
Katya: But in JPEG you send, you man, not unripe dumpling.
Peter Johnson: I used photo-imaging software to age myself. It's how I will look... in 12 to 15 years. But you... you look even better than your JPEG.
Katya: I send you most intimate photographs.
Peter Johnson: I know. I made them into my desktop wallpaper.

  --  Lovesick Ass [1.08]
%
Sharon Tyler: You are a man-eater.
Jaye Tyler: You lie.
Sharon Tyler: Do you have any idea how many of your discarded boyfriends I ended up consoling when I lived at home? Yuri, that exchange student from Prague, still writes to me. So whoever this new guy is, please do not give him my phone number when the inevitable happens.
Jaye Tyler: What if I gave his wife your number instead?
Sharon Tyler: He is married?
Jaye Tyler: Only technically. But I'm sure you could take care of that. You could recruit her in your lesbian lifestyle, like you did Beth.
Sharon Tyler: I did not recruit her.
Jaye Tyler: [seeing Thomas the delivery guy come in] Oh, look. Isn't that your girlfriend's husband now? Boy, this is gonna be awkward, huh?

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Sharon Tyler: When was the last time you had peanut butter?
Beth: I don't know. Uh, before I married Thomas, I guess.
Sharon Tyler: Right. But you are not married now, so choose.
Beth: What do you want me to say? Chunky.
Sharon Tyler: [in a tiff] Of course you would say chunky. Well, if it's chunky you want, there's no point in having a jar of smooth in the cupboard, is there?
[throwing it away]
Sharon Tyler: 'Cause we all know that smooth can't compete with chunky, can it?
Beth: God help us if our cycles sync up.
Sharon Tyler: Do not blame this on my period.
Beth: Is this what it's like to date a woman?

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Aaron Tyler: Why would anybody worship my sister? Is she a cult figure?
Mahandra McGinty: You're not wearing pants.
Aaron Tyler: I was about to get some.
Mahandra McGinty: Well, you're certainly undressed for it.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Beth: Who are you? Why would you sneak peanut butter into my groceries?
Sharon Tyler: There was no sneaking. I saw that you were out.
Beth: Yes, you said that at the grocery store when you pointed to the shelf and said, "Look, peanut butter." I told you I don't eat peanut butter. We were together the entire time. I don't even know how you...
[unpacking a second jar]
Beth: Here's another one. You snuck in two jars of peanut butter.
Sharon Tyler: Chunky and smooth.
Beth: What are you doing?
Sharon Tyler: So you'd have a choice. You like choices, right?
Beth: Not if I'm choosing between two things I don't like.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Jaye Tyler: [on the phone with Eric] They've left some seeds in my hair. And a feather. But you were very gallant.
Sharon Tyler: [coming in] Prescription.
Jaye Tyler: [hanging up] I have to go.
Sharon Tyler: The folks are going out of town and asked me to drop it by. Mom said to be sure to take it with food.
Jaye Tyler: It's a topical ointment.
Sharon Tyler: [inspecting the cuts on her forehead] She thinks you're too thin. How did you do that to yourself, anyway?
Jaye Tyler: I was on a date.
Sharon Tyler: Did you report the bastard? You cannot let a guy get away with that. Think of the next woman.
Jaye Tyler: I am the next woman. He didn't do this to me. In fact, he was great. Wow. You really are a man-hater.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Eric Gotts: [kissing with Jaye] You taste good.
Jaye Tyler: I do?
Eric Gotts: Mm-hmm. You know, I read this thing about saliva and saliva compatibility. If someone tastes good, they have compatible saliva. If someone tastes bad, um, you probably shouldn't be kissing them.
Jaye Tyler: [a zoo worker shushes them] I love how you brought me to the zoo for our first official date. All the animals are safely penned, and none of them talk.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Jaye Tyler: This all must seem a little odd, but, um, as a person who champions love at every turn, I'm here to say that it really isn't...
Eric Gotts: I don't think it's odd.
Jaye Tyler: You don't?
Eric Gotts: It's the most romantic thing I've ever heard of.
Jaye Tyler: Really? My love-saving nature doesn't bother you?
Eric Gotts: Define "bother".
Jaye Tyler: Well, just so you know, this isn't an isolated incident. Things like bird attacks and abduction happen to me all the time. And if it's not birds, it's a lion or a monkey, and then there's that fish.
[Eric kisses her]
Jaye Tyler: What I'm trying to say is that there is constant interruption.
[kissing again]
Jaye Tyler: I don't scare you?
Eric Gotts: Only in a good way.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Mahandra McGinty: You're using these birds to avoid Eric. Why?
Jaye Tyler: Because... I'm a snowy owl love killer. I'm a man-eater. I just... I was hoping things would be different with Eric. I thought maybe I could just nibble. But a natural predator can't just nibble.
Mahandra McGinty: Oh, my God, Jaye. You cannot do this to him. You promised.
Jaye Tyler: I know. I'm trying to save him... by avoiding him, so I could be with him. But I can't go near him or I'll destroy him. So if I could just manage to stay away from him, then maybe we could be together. Please don't repeat that back to me.
Mahandra McGinty: Look, you have got to nip this in the bud right now. Just get it over with. Show some mercy. Take him out into the woods and put one painlessly in the back of his head.
Jaye Tyler: It's such a cute head.
Mahandra McGinty: Cap him.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Sharon Tyler: [with a child's shoe] I came as soon as I found out about the missing children.
[to Penelope]
Sharon Tyler: Are you their mother? Oh, those poor babies. We will find them.
Aaron Tyler: They're birds.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah, I, uh, probably shouldn't have said "babies" so much as... birds. It's a "B" word.
Sharon Tyler: I can think of another "B" word. If you see a wolf, don't bother to call me.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Penelope: Please no flash photography in the aviary. I said it three times.
Jaye Tyler: I'm sorry.
Penelope: The birds are traumatized. And now they have nobody to talk to.
Jaye Tyler: Those birds talk?
Penelope: They talk to me. You wouldn't understand.
Jaye Tyler: I wish I didn't.
Penelope: Those birds are in the infancy of their relationship. The bond is very delicate. And now they're migrating towards extinction like it's northwestern Paraguay, thanks to you.
Jaye Tyler: Hey, I'm the one who has to put on topical ointment.
Penelope: The female reacted defensively. She saw a flash of white. I'm sure she thought you were a snowy owl. And she's not gonna be presenting herself for mating if she thinks she's being attacked by a snowy owl. Those poor birds. You killed their love. You really are a snowy owl.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Eric Gotts: [sneaking into the zoo after-hours] So, this isn't really a private showing, is it?
Jaye Tyler: Uh, no. Not so much a private show as a federal offense. We're here to steal an endangered species and then force them to have sex.
Penelope: Not stealing. Liberating.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Aaron Tyler: Who's mating?
Jaye Tyler: The birds.
Aaron Tyler: [seeing them in their makeshift cage] Did the cow creamer tell you to do this?
Jaye Tyler: No. The stuffed donkey did.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Jaye Tyler: [mucking an elephant pen, poop is thrown at Penelope] Ew. Did that monkey just throw its food at you?
Penelope: In a way.
Jaye Tyler: Good arm.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Eric Gotts: [not really listening to a zoo tour guide] What was that about not mating?
Muse: [speaking to Jaye through a bird on a billboard] Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Jaye Tyler: I can't.
Eric Gotts: Huh? Why? What are you afraid of?
Jaye Tyler: Afraid? I'm not afraid.
Muse: Take a picture. Take a picture. Take a picture.
Jaye Tyler: Though maybe you should be.
Eric Gotts: Why would I be afraid of you?
Muse: Take a picture. It'll last longer. It'll last longer. Take a picture.
Jaye Tyler: [reluctantly] All right, all right. God.
[going over to a group of tourists, she takes one's camera and randomly snaps the lens]
Jaye Tyler: Happy?
[startled by the camera flash, a macaw attacks her]
Jaye Tyler: Whoa! Ow! Get... ow!

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Eric Gotts: This is so romantic, coming back to the zoo. Picking up our date where we left off.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah.
Eric Gotts: Uh, but you, uh, don't maybe wanna come back when it's open? I'm pretty sure sneaking in's against the law.
Penelope: We answer to a higher law.
Eric Gotts: We do?
Jaye Tyler: Love. Love is our higher law. And we're here to save it. Not that it was ever in any danger from me.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Rufus: Do you know what happens when a fairy's wings lose their dust? The fairy dies, that's what.
Jaye Tyler: [assuming he's just a random weirdo] Restrooms are for customers only.
Rufus: No, I don't have to use the bathroom. Uh, well, I do, actually, but that's not why I'm here. I'm Rufus. Remember? I work at the zoo with Penelope.
Jaye Tyler: Oh, the bird lady?
Rufus: The elephant lady now.
Jaye Tyler: Huh?
Rufus: Because of you, they've got her mucking out the elephant pen. She's banned from the aviary. They say she can't control the birds.
Jaye Tyler: I'm sorry.
Rufus: Oh, she... she was the fairy from, like I was saying, and the birds... well, the birds, they're the dust in her wings.
Jaye Tyler: Look, zoo guy, sometimes these things happen for a reason. Being moved to the elephant pen could just be the best thing that's ever happened to her.
Rufus: No, it's not. It's the worst thing. Those birds were her life and she theirs. Without her, they'll... they'll die.
Jaye Tyler: I'm sure the birds will be fine.
Rufus: No. No, they won't be. Those birds are endangered, and she was trying to get them to breed. Without her, their love will die.
Muse: [opening a package, Jaye sees two stuffed animals in the shape of donkeys] Save the lovebirds.
Rufus: You have to do something.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Eric Gotts: Lauren and Humphrey are smart birds. Maybe they'll come back.
Penelope: They're hyacinth macaws, not homing pigeons.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Aaron Tyler: What is she doing with those birds, anyway? Is she gonna use their babies in a ritual?
Mahandra McGinty: Only thing that's getting sacrificed tonight is the heart of a certain unsuspecting bartender.
Aaron Tyler: Oh, right. He did seem like a man marked for heartbreak.
Mahandra McGinty: You saw it, too?
Aaron Tyler: Well, I mean, he was with her. Why does she always do that to 'em? You know, that exchange student from Prague still e-mails me about her.
Mahandra McGinty: She's like a bug zapper. Long as I've known her, guys have been throwing themselves at her. I don't know, maybe if she was more like some of us less magnetic types, she wouldn't be so quick to throw 'em back.
Aaron Tyler: I think you're magnetic.
Mahandra McGinty: Yeah, well, for all my innate magnetism, I haven't really been attracting a lot of the brothers in the greater Niagara region lately.
Aaron Tyler: I'm somebody's brother.
Mahandra McGinty: Yeah, right. My best friend's brother. Like that's gonna happen.
Aaron Tyler: [laughing together] Why not?
Mahandra McGinty: Well, for one thing, if we ever even tried to kiss, we'd never stop laughing.

  --  Safety Canary [1.09]
%
Mahandra McGinty: What? I'm not glowing. I am a woman of *color*. We *do* that.

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Aaron Tyler: [Jaye tells him about the Muse] Do they ever tell you to... hurt people?
Jaye Tyler: Let's just say the thing they're telling me to do now would hurt.
Aaron Tyler: Something's talking to you?
Jaye Tyler: Not right this second.
Muse: [through the wax lion] Mend what was broken.
Jaye Tyler: Okay, now.
Aaron Tyler: [holding something up] Was it this?
Jaye Tyler: No. That's a salt shaker.
Aaron Tyler: Yeah.
Jaye Tyler: It doesn't have a face. It has to have a face. From what I can tell, it has to be an animal face.
Aaron Tyler: [looking around] Um... you're surrounded by things with animal faces.
Jaye Tyler: [whispering] I know. Crazy, right?

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Aaron Tyler: And how long has this been going on?
Jaye Tyler: I don't know. Two months? More than two months? Remember the 'sode I had at work when I passed out? That's when it started.
Aaron Tyler: So it's not just the cow creamer?
Jaye Tyler: Uh-uh.
Aaron Tyler: Interesting.
Jaye Tyler: No, not interesting! Crazy. Right? It's crazy that a person would think inanimate objects were talking to them, telling them to do things. And crazier that a person would feel compelled to do the things the inanimate objects are telling them to do. Please tell me it's crazy.
Aaron Tyler: Do you want it to be crazy?
Jaye Tyler: I want it to be over.

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Eric Gotts: [getting re-married to Heidi] Jaye, meeting you changed everything. I didn't think I'd ever feel that way again.
Jaye Tyler: Eric, wait.
Eric Gotts: I couldn't understand why you wouldn't admit how you feel. But now I know.
Jaye Tyler: You do?
Eric Gotts: I took vows, too. And not honoring them was literally breaking me in half. I'll never be able to move on with my life if I don't try to make this work. This is what I have to do. I can't just walk away.
Jaye Tyler: You're not that guy.
Eric Gotts: No. I'm not.
Jaye Tyler: And that's why I'm crazy about you.

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Eric Gotts: The shrew who ruined my life showed up here last night to ruin my life some more.
Mahandra McGinty: Oh, that. Look, she may be confused, but she's not a shrew.
Eric Gotts: You're defending her?
Mahandra McGinty: Well, it's my job. Plus, I might have kinda... encouraged her to do the deed.
Eric Gotts: You didn't even know me then. How did you encourage my wife to give the bellman "room service"?
Mahandra McGinty: Your wife? I thought we were talking about Jaye.
Eric Gotts: No, I'm talking about Heidi. She showed up here last... wait a minute. You encouraged Jaye to break up with me?
Mahandra McGinty: I thought we weren't talking about Jaye.
Eric Gotts: You know what? Forget it. Jaye is the least of my problems right now anyway.
[Heidi comes in]
Eric Gotts: And here comes most of 'em.

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Heidi: You hit me with a television!
Jaye: It was a portable!

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Jaye: Fine, I'm the crazy one... but I had the snake!
Heidi: Well, it's my snake and I want it back.
[Jaye looks puzzled]
Heidi: The snake... that's a penis reference, right?
Jaye: No, God! With a mind that works like that no wonder you cheated on your honeymoon.

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Mahandra: Alright, what're we drinking to?
Eric: How about crazy women and losers who love them.
Mahandra: You are not a loser. She is your wife. You don't just stop loving her because...
Eric: I am not talking about Heidi.
Mahandra: Uh... wow, really? [Eric gave her a convincing look] You love her? [another look from Eric] well, then you have to tell her.
Eric: Not until she tells me.
Mahandra: Now you're playing chicken. She has to say it first?
Eric: Not it, but something, anything. I just need a word. One word, so I'd know I am not the only one feeling this. But she can't say it and I don't know why.

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Mahandra: You're like a brother to me.
Aaron: So, I make love like a black man?
Mahandra: Not that kind of brother, you idiot!

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Mahandra: Nobody can hurt by just admitting how they feel.
Jaye: I think I might love him. Uhh. See that, it hurt.

  --  Lying Pig [1.10]
%
Jaye Tyler: Was this all a big setup? Get me to turn a few tricks for the universe, break my heart, and then ship me off to the crazy house before I can squeal?
Dr. Ron Campbell: Do you feel yourself getting worked up right now? I'd like to de-escalate that feeling.
Muse: Save him from her.
Jaye Tyler: He's not in any danger! You lied. Why'd you lie? What is this about?
Dr. Ron Campbell: How would you feel if I referred you to another therapist?
Muse: Lick the light switch.
Jaye Tyler: Wait, what?
Dr. Ron Campbell: It's not a rejection.
Muse: Lick the light switch.
Jaye Tyler: That's disgusting!
Dr. Ron Campbell: It's not disgusting to want you to have the best care.
Jaye Tyler: I was talking to the monkey.
Dr. Ron Campbell: If you'd like to speak to the monkey privately, I could step into the next room.
Jaye Tyler: Would you mind?
Dr. Ron Campbell: Not at all.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Jaye Tyler: Tell me why you talk to me!
Muse: Because you listen.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Mahandra McGinty: [suspicious of Heidi, Jaye spies on her at the Barrel] She's not gonna kill him right here in this bar.
Jaye Tyler: She could slip him a mickey.
Mahandra McGinty: Not unless there's a freshman around to pin it on.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Detective Sloan: I'm accusing her of breaking into her therapist's office, disabling the security system, stealing the surveillance footage from her own therapy sessions, and leaving a number two in the good doctor's desk drawer. And I'm not talking about the pencil.
Jaye Tyler: It wasn't me. I didn't do any of that. This is all Heidi. Have you Googled the woman? She's a menace. She set me up!
Detective Sloan: We let her go. She's not a suspect. And you should count your lucky stars she's not pressing charges.
Jaye Tyler: Of course she's not pressing charges. Murderers don't press charges. It calls unwanted attention to themselves.
Sharon Tyler: This murder angle is new to me. We should sidebar.
Jaye Tyler: No sidebar. A man is about to die!

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Darrin Tyler: Did Dr. Ron tell you whether this was a personality flaw or an actual disorder?
Karen Tyler: Darrin.
Darrin Tyler: Well, there's no sense pussyfooting around about it. We're her parents. If something is wrong, we should talk about it. And you can talk to us, can't you, sweetheart?
Jaye Tyler: Uh, yeah.
Karen Tyler: [to a passing waitress after an awkward silence] Could I have some more water, please?
Darrin Tyler: Now, what I'd like to know is, is this an isolated incident or can we expect more of these 'sodes? I mean, God forbid, you end up like the Olsen girl. Didn't she stab herself and then tell everybody that Dr. Ron tried to kill her? Mad as a balloon. We don't want that life for you.
Karen Tyler: Darrin, she doesn't want to discuss it. We have to respect that.
Jaye Tyler: Thank you.
Darrin Tyler: Fine, fine. We can pretend nothing is wrong. Not a care in the world. Oh, isn't that your little married friend?
Karen Tyler: You have a new friend?
Jaye Tyler: He doesn't work today.
[turning and seeing Eric and Heidi]
Jaye Tyler: That is him... and his wife. I have to pee.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Dr. Ron Campbell: What makes you think the monkey was talking to you?
Jaye Tyler: Well, it looked at me and talked.
Dr. Ron Campbell: Why don't you walk me through the day the animals started talking to you?
Jaye Tyler: Well, I didn't get my promotion. And then the lion talked. Then I fainted. And then I had my session with you. And then the monkey talked. And then I met Eric. And then we talked. And then we kissed, and then we... oh, my God. That was right before your monkey broke my heart. Oh, no. That was actually the fish.
Dr. Ron Campbell: Did Eric break your heart, or was it the fish?
Jaye Tyler: The fish. The fish told me to break Eric's heart, which broke my heart.
Dr. Ron Campbell: And do you do everything the monkey and the lion and the fish tell you to do, even if it causes you pain?
Jaye Tyler: Yeah, they kinda wore me out that way, which is mainly why I'm here.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Dr. Ron Campbell: [startled to find Jaye in his office] How did you get in here?
Jaye Tyler: The door.
Dr. Ron Campbell: The door was locked.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah. Well, no, it wasn't. Um, I just need to borrow your monkey.
Dr. Ron Campbell: You're not borrowing my monkey, Jaye.
Jaye Tyler: I kinda have to. They told me I had to save him from her, and the wax lion said that the monkey would tell me why.
Dr. Ron Campbell: Save who from her?
Muse: [through the monkey] She's going to kill him.
Jaye Tyler: She's gonna kill him?
Dr. Ron Campbell: Is my monkey talking to you now, Jaye?
Muse: She's going to kill him. She's going to kill him, and it's all because of you.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Jaye Tyler: [after seeing Eric and Heidi together] I didn't think it would hurt so much, seeing him with her in wedded bliss without me. Oh, my God. He's gonna grow old with her, isn't he? And I'm gonna die alone. Oh, will you die alone with me?
Mahandra McGinty: Of course I will. Who else am I gonna die alone with, your brother?

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Mahandra McGinty: Are those video cameras?
Aaron Tyler: Yeah.
Mahandra McGinty: Shut 'em off. Shut 'em off. Shut 'em off! Shut 'em off! How long have you had those? Are you recording us right now? Did you record us having sex? Oh, my God. Is it on the Internet? Oh, my God. I'm a naughty, black-door woman... back-door woman. Oh, my God! No one must know. We have to destroy your computer.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Mahandra McGinty: I wanna be an honest woman.
Aaron Tyler: You are an honest woman.
Mahandra McGinty: I just snuck in your back door. Your sister's dying inside, and here I am lying to her about our torrid little affair.
Aaron Tyler: Then tell her the truth.
Mahandra McGinty: She can't handle the truth. It'll kill her. She's my best friend, and you're her brother. Besides, I can't be happy when she's sad. There are rules.
Aaron Tyler: Are you saying I make you happy?
Mahandra McGinty: Yes, yes. You make me happy. But that's not the point.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Jaye Tyler: Do you think Eric loves her? I mean, like, really loves her?
Mahandra McGinty: She's his wife.
Jaye Tyler: I know. But, like, really, really loves her?
Heidi Gotts: [walking in on them] Yes, he does.
Mahandra McGinty: Whoops.
Heidi Gotts: In fact, he loves me so much, he married me twice.
Jaye Tyler: If you hadn't wiped yourself with your first wedding vows, you wouldn't have had to get them renewed.
Heidi Gotts: Oh, sigh. Whatever scars I've given Eric are healing. And they'd heal a lot faster if you stopped picking at 'em and leave us alone.
Jaye Tyler: I was leaving you alone plenty before you came through that door.
Heidi Gotts: No, you were stalking my husband at his workplace, which is no longer his workplace 'cause he just quit.
Jaye Tyler: What?
Heidi Gotts: We're going back to Jersey. My sins have been paid for. Honeymoon purgatory is coming to an end.
Mahandra McGinty: That's so sad. Heidi-ho gotta go.
Heidi Gotts: You almost had him, huh? For a second there, I thought it was gonna be you kissing the groom on my wedding night. But only for a second.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Karen Tyler: I'm Karen Tyler, Jaye's mother.
Eric Gotts: Oh. Hi.
Karen Tyler: Hi. I'm not quite sure how to broach this subject, so I'm just gonna get right to it. My daughter's very upset about something.
Eric Gotts: Really?
Karen Tyler: Mm-hmm. And she won't discuss it with me, and Mahandra's not saying a word, so that leaves you. What do you say? You wanna be my hero?
Eric Gotts: How upset is she, exactly?
Karen Tyler: I'll tell you how upset she is if you tell me what she's upset about.
Eric Gotts: I wish I knew.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Jaye Tyler: [returning her therapist's brass monkey bookend] I wanted to give this back to you.
Dr. Ron Campbell: It's got a few dings. And is this wax?
Jaye Tyler: Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. And sorry about not coming back after I said I had to feed the meter... two months ago.
Dr. Ron Campbell: It all worked out fine. Why'd you come back today? What's happening in your world?
Jaye Tyler: Okay, well, what have my mom and brother told you? 'Cause I don't wanna repeat information.
Muse: [through the brass monkey] Tell him nothing.
Dr. Ron Campbell: We're not talking about your mom or your brother.
Jaye Tyler: Then you'd better tell me something, 'cause I'm fixing to neuter you.
[seeing Dr. Ron's look]
Jaye Tyler: I was talking to the monkey. It talked to me first.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Jaye Tyler: Does Heidi have anger management issues? 'Cause she's been pitching a tanty about something.
Eric Gotts: Yeah, you. She thinks you're spying on us.
Jaye Tyler: That's dumb. She's been a little pissy lately, huh? She ever threaten you?
Eric Gotts: You should cut her some slack. She's got lots of reasons to be pissy right now. For instance, are you spying on us?
Jaye Tyler: No. But I can leave if my presence makes you uncomfortable.
Eric Gotts: You don't make me uncomfortable. But, Heidi...
Jaye Tyler: No, I get it. I'll go.
[laughing it off]
Jaye Tyler: Spying.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Muse: Save him from her.
Jaye Tyler: Let's talk about that, shall we? Now, if experience has taught me anything, it's that following your instructions regarding Eric and Heidi causes me great pain.
Muse: Save him from her!
Jaye Tyler: But I have to admit I'm intrigued. Why make me make a home if you're just gonna make me break a home? Is this a trick? Is this gonna turn out badly for me somehow?
Muse: [through the wax lion] Ask the monkey.

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Jaye Tyler: [melting the wax lion] You may be asking yourself, "How did I get here? What could I have possibly done to deserve this?" Tell me why. Why make me make the man I love re-marry his hussy bride? How is that helpful? Who does that benefit besides the hussy? 'Cause I'm not in the business of benefiting hussies. Tell me there's a reason.
[getting no answer]
Jaye Tyler: So be it. No answers, no mercy. I'm finished. You want me to be alone? I'll be alone. I'll be alone after I melt or set fire to each and every one of you. So anybody that hasn't talked yet that's been thinking about talking, let this be a warning.
Alec: [bursting in] Break's over.
[sniffing]
Alec: What's burning?

  --  Cocktail Bunny [1.11]
%
Gentlefeather: You've come with many questions.
Jaye Tyler: But very little money. So, if you're, like, the local fortune-teller or something...
Gentlefeather: They speak to you in many voices. And many forms. You have been sought out for a great purpose. For this, you have been chosen.
Jaye Tyler: No. I don't want to be chosen. In this instance, I'm anti-choice. Also, chosen by what? Who are "they"? Do you know?
Gentlefeather: Yes. Many questions.
Jaye Tyler: Yeah, if you're just gonna be all cryptic, it will affect your tip.
Gentlefeather: You entered this place only to silence the voices. You wish to silence them forever?
Jaye Tyler: Can I? Is there some way? Can you tell me how?
Gentlefeather: Why do you think you're here?
Jaye Tyler: Okay, cryptic. And yet, I think I like where you're going.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Jaye Tyler: We're sort of in the middle of something. So would you mind waiting outside until we're through?
Bill Hooton: Uh, what are you in the middle of?
Jaye Tyler: We're having a conversation.
Bill Hooton: You're having a conversation with my dead grandmother?
Jaye Tyler: [seeing the woman she was talking to is actually dead, her eyes widen] Okay, that's just odd.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Jaye Tyler: [the Muse speaks to her through the face on a Native American totem pole] An authentic Satsuman totem should not be speaking English.
Muse: I'm not authentic. They put me here for the tourists.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Jaye Tyler: Sure, it can be nice on occasion. In a triumph-of-the-human-spirit sort of way, but most of the time, it feels like the universe doing this.
[taking Bill's hand and softly punching him]
Jaye Tyler: "Why are you hitting yourself, Jaye? Why are you hitting yourself?"
Bill Hooton: Ow! Stop it.
Jaye Tyler: Well, that's what being special really feels like. At least, that's been my experience.
Bill Hooton: Maybe you're doing it wrong.
Jaye Tyler: I don't think there's a right way to do it.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Bill Hooton: You don't realize how lucky you are.
Jaye Tyler: You're the lucky one. I'd love to be just an accountant. Well, maybe not an accountant, but something a little more interesti...
[seeing his look]
Jaye Tyler: To me. And yet, equally not special.
Bill Hooton: Like a retail clerk?
Jaye Tyler: Preferably more interesting than that. You'd really wanna be me?
Bill Hooton: Yeah. Pathetic, isn't it?
Jaye Tyler: We're both pathetic.
Bill Hooton: But at least you're pathetic with great purpose. I'm pathetic with no purpose. The saddest part is, when I leave here, there's no reason to ever come back.
Jaye Tyler: You could come back to buy cigarettes.
Bill Hooton: I don't smoke.
Jaye Tyler: You could start.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Bill Hooton: Oh, look. It's the special one. You come to tell me about how special you are?
[sarcastic]
Bill Hooton: 'Cause I'd love to hear more about that. Did my grandma tell you how special you are?
Jaye Tyler: Sort of.
Bill Hooton: Did you really talk to her?
Jaye Tyler: Yeah. Didn't you?
Bill Hooton: I don't know. It's all kinda hazy.
Jaye Tyler: It was probably the peyote.
[seeing his look]
Jaye Tyler: Or, maybe you actually talked to her. I don't know.
Bill Hooton: Why would she talk to me when she has you to talk to?
Jaye Tyler: It was just one conversation. Okay, so she said I had "great purpose" or whatever. She was vague, at best. Then I talked about me for a while, and... that was it, really.
Bill Hooton: I wish I had great purpose.
Jaye Tyler: [wry chuckle] No, you don't.
Bill Hooton: Yes, I do.
Jaye Tyler: [firmly] No, you don't. You really don't. Having great purpose isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've had great purpose, and I've had no purpose, and I have to say, no purpose is a lot easier. Expectations are low. Nobody asks you for anything. Count your blessings.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Jaye Tyler: So, what happens after you hand that thing in?
Mahandra McGinty: They verify my claim, and then I'm embraced by my people as a part of the Satsuma Indian Nation.
Jaye Tyler: That's awesome.
Sharon Tyler: It's also fraud. You're not Indian. You're Black.
Mahandra McGinty: Uh, 1/8th Satsuman on my grandmother's side. But even a fraction of my fraction makes me eligible for full tribal citizenship.
Jaye Tyler: And a cut of the gambling money.
Mahandra McGinty: Uh, uh, uh, uh, no. This is not about money. This is about tribe pride. However, if a Title IV federal grant will pay off my student loans, then justice is served.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Deanna Littlefoot: Gentlefeather appeared to me.
Bill Hooton: She appeared to you, too?
Deanna Littlefoot: A vision in the mist. She spoke of a horse that would guide our people where they long to go. A new direction it wants to run. And, grandson of Gentlefeather, I was told that you would teach me how to ride this horse.
Bill Hooton: But I don't know anything about riding horses. I'm an accountant.
Deanna Littlefoot: Yes. Your grandmother told me you were very good at numbers. Let me tell you about my vision. We need an accountant to ride through the land of imperious plenty and bring back a casino with blackjack, poker, and Vegas-style slot machines.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Mahandra McGinty: You know, this sudden impulse of yours to visit my ancestral lands is great, but aren't you supposed to be at work?
Jaye Tyler: I couldn't stand the thought of spending another day looking at those faces with their stupid little mouths constantly running and making all sorts of unreasonable demands on me.
Mahandra McGinty: Are you sure you should be in a customer service industry?

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Jaye Tyler: You know, I'm not so sure if my burden's a burden or not. I mean, other people seem to want it. And that should always make you pause before you give something up.
Jerry: A lesson my people have learned time and time again.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Bill Hooton: They really look up to me!
Jaye Tyler: Yeah, you made them sit down.

  --  Totem Mole [1.12]
%
Wade Jones: It is kinda creepy, isn't it? Getting a murderer's heart?
Jaye Tyler: Eh, it's an anecdote.
Wade Jones: I don't think the man was evil. He did have a donor sticker. It takes thought and effort to be an organ donor.
Jaye Tyler: Especially considering what they say about paramedics.
Wade Jones: I'm just grateful I got a new heart after you made the old one explode in my chest. All that talk about being a hero, I could have died. I hope you've learned a lesson about playing games with people's lives.
[leaving, he passes by Alec]
Wade Jones: Hey, you wanna see my scar?
Alec: Awesome!
Jaye Tyler: Or you could say "thank you"!

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
Jaye Tyler: [spying on store shoppers] Go for the sunglasses. Abort the cage and go for the glasses. You could fit, like, a dozen in each sleeve.
[chuckling, she sees the security guard isn't laughing]
Jaye Tyler: Hypothetically.
Wade Jones: The idea is we don't want them to steal.
Jaye Tyler: You don't understand. This is as fun as it gets these days. I can't even go out for a drink anymore.
Wade Jones: How long you been sober?
Jaye Tyler: Oh, I'm not sober. I'm in love with a bartender, and he just re-married his wife, so that makes things awkward.
[returning her attention to the shoppers]
Jaye Tyler: He's eyeing the Slinky. You know, he has to steal, like, four of those for me to even get a dollar.
Wade Jones: Is this one of those stores that gives its employees a cash bonus when they apprehend a shoplifter?
Jaye Tyler: Ten percent of whatever they were gonna steal. One time, I "accidentally" left the watch case open, and I got, like, 500 bucks.
[the kid puts the Slinky in his pants]
Jaye Tyler: Slinky in the pants, aisle three.
Wade Jones: Roger that.
Jaye Tyler: No, wait! Wait! We should wait! He might steal more and be more guilty.
Wade Jones: Why? Is the watch case unlocked?
Jaye Tyler: [reluctant] Fine! We can catch him now.

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
Eric Gotts: I'd like to return these items.
Jaye Tyler: Did they break? 'Cause we sell a lot of crap here.
Eric Gotts: Uh, no, but they're not doing what they're supposed to do.
Jaye Tyler: They're souvenirs.
Eric Gotts: I know. And souvenirs are supposed to remind you of a place you're not. And I'm here, so they're not doing what they're supposed to do.

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
Jaye Tyler: Well, what about your wife? Where is she?
Eric Gotts: My ex-wife? She's recovering at a spa. I went with her to get her settled, but then I moved out.
Jaye Tyler: Oh. Sorry about that.
Eric Gotts: It was inevitable. Everything that had to happen happened. Heidi said so herself. She was driving over here to tell me we were through when you crashed into her car. Of course, now she's kicking herself for saving your life.
Jaye Tyler: Hmm. And here I was hating her for coming to town. I guess she had to come to town to leave.
Eric Gotts: And I had to leave before I could come back.
Jaye Tyler: Are you back? 'Cause I was supposed to let you go. What does it mean? Are you just visiting?
Eric Gotts: I'm a resident, and I'm single, if anyone were to be interested.
Jaye Tyler: [giving him a receipt] Sign here. But I can only give you store credit.
Eric Gotts: Good. Another reason for me to come back.

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
Wade Jones: His heart was the only thing that wasn't pulverized. They took it out of him and put it into me.
Shoplift Kid: You got the heart of a murderer? Are you gonna start killing people now?
Wade Jones: I can't kill anybody. I have to avoid strenuous activity.
Shoplift Kid: You can't even chase me if I steal something?
Wade Jones: Probably not for another month.
[the kid takes a souvenir from a shelf]
Wade Jones: Hey, don't you...
[groaning as he stands up]
Wade Jones: Ooh.
Jaye Tyler: [stopping the kid and taking the item back] Hey! Out!

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
Jaye Tyler: I make good life choices - mostly because they're forced on me - but I make them, and I find myself in unpleasant situations all the time. You know why? Because even if you have a choice it can and will be taken away from you. We're all fate's bitch. You might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
Alec: No! Please, don't kill me! I can't die! I've never been with a woman!
Bank robber: [to Sharon] You...
Sharon Tyler: I have been with a woman!

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
Wax Lion: [Last lines of the series] A word of advice...
Jaye Tyler: Shut up!

  --  Caged Bird [1.13]
%
